Why I Finally Claimed a Throne

Yes, I know how the title sounds! I haven't literally claimed a throne for myself; that would be weird and very expensive. I'm talking about the gifting platform. I finally caved and signed myself up. And I want to explain why.

Outside of using the term as slang for the toilet, I had never really given the Throne platform much of a thought before now. I already had a Ko-Fi page that I barely use due to imposter syndrome and the mountain of responsibilities I seem to have accumulated. I abandoned Patreon because of the crappy AI models they were supporting and their equally as crappy triple scraping payment model.

I also dislike the idea that I might be seen as "begging". Asking for specific things always felt wrong to me because it seemed materialistic. Even at Christmas, if someone asks me what I want, I will generally try to keep things vague, or just tell them items that I am desperately in need of (last year it was a pair of trainers and a walking belt with lumbar support so that my puppy stopped near-snapping my spine!). For me, there is a major difference between what I "want" and what I "need", and in my mind, "need" will always outweigh the "want".

Likewise, asking for anything expensive has been a major no-no for me for well over a decade and a half now, and I will always tell people that "yes, I like this, but I'd rather they buy a cheaper one if the specs are similar" because I don't want people to end up spending ridiculous amounts of money on me that they may need later. Being in a financially precarious position for so many years throughout my adult life has made me vividly aware of how quickly financial stability can disappear, and I don't want to be part of the problem that contributes to the fall of my friends and family.

Ko-Fi was a way around all of those issues. It provided a framework for a reward structure, making it more like a mutual exchange than unwarranted gifting or begging. And ultimately, I feel that those who DO donate on my Ko-Fi page are doing so because they actually believe in what I'm doing and making, even if those donations come from a slightly self serving position (some of my players like to make regular donations to my Ko-Fi so that I make "more fun crap" for them). The money that I am sent can then be spent as necessary to ensure that I can survive long enough to then MAKE that fun crap they want.

So if Ko-Fi fits my model, and doesn't make me uncomfortable, why am I opening up a Throne, which fundamentally has me making myself uncomfortable by asking for expensive things?

The reason is simple.

Because I am apparently incapable of saving for the expensive items I want using traditional methods. I cannot be trusted not to funnel the funds elsewhere, so they can be used for "needs". I think part of that is that I feel I don't deserve anything. I feel that I have done nothing worth rewarding, so I don't reward myself for anything.

But that also means that I am not INVESTING in myself either.

I am not the best at saving for myself. For special events or for others though... easy!

A lot of the time, the intention on Ko-Fi is to save the funds to upgrade my PC, buy new rulebooks, or generally just make my life as a worldbuilder and DM that little bit easier. But it doesn't always work that way. Life is what life is - it hits you with a backspin volley without hesitation and doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet before following up with its hardest forehand smash (I know, tennis references). In the years since I got made redundant, I've had to dig into my Ko-Fi savings multiple times just to make sure we stayed afloat. Over the last six months things have been better, and our position is more stable, but habit still has me transferring my savings over to our regular account. I don't need to. We have a relatively stable structure now. Yet, I cannot help but say to myself "oh, but this just makes sure we have what we need", and transfer it out.

I am a poor saver for myself. And I am sabotaging my own potential by not investing in my own future security and happiness.

Throne is meant to be the first step in helping change that.

Throne specifies what I am saving for, and allows people to donate to my savings endeavours if they like my content. I have specifically set up my Wishlist with everything as "Crowdfunding" so that no single person ever feels like they have to fork out the entire amount on me. They can donate as little as $10 (default currency), and it still helps toward my goal. What's even better is, because the donations and purchases are all tracked and managed by Throne, I can't just go in and take the money out to spend on other things. The money never belongs to me directly, nor does the product belong to me until the funding goal is met. There is also the added benefit that I can top up the crowdfunding from my own pocket, if I ever find myself in the position of being able to buy an item with the help of whatever funds are already in the Throne.

As much as posting out my wishlists on the web makes me feel uncomfortable, getting Throne was a key step toward being better at bettering myself. It was designed to force me to consider the things that I actually WANTED, the things that would help me with the activities I wanted to do moving forward, as an investment for my future. I am not looking at getting a proper job any time soon. In two and a half years, I have sent off thousands of applications that received nothing in return, had two rejection replies, and one interview that turned out to be a scam anyway. I don't have much else that I can do but carry on trying, and in the meantime, try to find ways to get by in any way I can. I need to improve my personal situation by improving my range of experiences and skillsets. If that means I need to get more suitable typing equipment so that I don't give myself RSI, so be it. If it means investing in kit that will help me achieve a more professional appearance when I decide to start streaming again so people see me as worth their time, I should probably get it. I need to be taken seriously in order to get anywhere. Which means I need to start taking MYSELF seriously.

I have been putting my own wants and desires on hold for years. I think it's time I learn to be a little more selfish. And that's what Throne is. My gift to myself. My little note that it's okay to want things that are ultimately going to make my life easier. An affirmation that it's fine to ask for things that are perhaps that little bit pricier if it's going to be an investment in myself. And it is definitely okay to put money aside for the things that you want, rather than saving it all for necessities.

I'm going to continue trying to save my Ko-Fi money. Throne is no guarantee of anything, after all. I am not blessed with hundreds of followers or supporters. But if nothing else, it will work as a major kick up the butt to start taking the replacement of things for my work more seriously.

Plus it's funny to say "hey, guess what, I've got myself a Throne!".

I'm easily amused, I guess! What's next on my list for self investment and improvement? I'm not sure yet. We shall just have to see how this particular step fares first!

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